Reflections

being in full time ministry is tough, and the second year is definitely harder than the first year. you have more critics once the honeymoon stage is over, and at the same time, you have more opportunities for deeper relationships after building trust for a year.

lately, i've been struggling. i feel like i've let my students down as i've tried to find my footing in this new school year. it's been a tough couple of months, and time isn't slowing down. and it's hard for me to admit this, because in ministry, we want to seem like we're all sunshine and roses because we love Jesus, but the truth is that ministry is as hard as it is rewarding. i try to do the right thing, and i try to follow the heart of Jesus, but i don't know if that always comes across.

tonight, God placed Acts 14:1-3 in my mind as I wondered if i was still effective. I had no idea what it said, but when I got there, it definitely spoke to me. "At Iconium Paul and Barnabas went as usual into the Jewish synagogue. There they spoke so effectively that a great number of Jews and Gentiles believed. But the Jews who refused to believe stirred up the Gentiles and poisoned their minds against the brothers. So Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there, speaking boldly for the Lord, who confirmed the message of his grace by enabling them to do miraculous signs and wonders."

the passage directly relates to what i'm dealing with, which is one reason why i love God and His Word so much, because they provide unending comfort when i need it most. The passage says that even when Paul and Barnabas were effective, there were still people who refused to listen, and those people tried to stir up the others. Paul and Barnabas stuck it out and continued to speak boldly.

in my humanity, i think i stopped speaking boldly. i think i stopped relying on the heart of God to lead my students, and instead, i tried to lead them. i tried to deliver a message they would remember me by, rather than a message they would remember Jesus by. It sucks to realize that. It sucks to realize how human we all are, and how we don't always get it right [or better yet, we rarely get it right]. But God is a God of second chances, and third chances, and 90th chances, and when we rely on Him, when we speak boldly and glorify Him, everything changes.

i don't know where to go from here, but I know that God will do what He wants with all of this and will help me figure things out, because God is good, because God is trustworthy, and because God loves me in my brokenness, in all of it. If you're the praying sort, I could definitely use it these days.